Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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