I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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