i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
In America we eat man semen.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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