is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
