literally had 100 drinks last night.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
