At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
