Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
