Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize