I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
