In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
