How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
