I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize