It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
