that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
