I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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