i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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