I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
