If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
