I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize