I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
