so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
