I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
