I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
