***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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