I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize