as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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