The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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