its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
