I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
