I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
