I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
