True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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