I'm jealous of your bromance
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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