Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Randomize
