Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Randomize