i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
