Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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