Your face is a jimmy john
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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