I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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