I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
