My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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