I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
