I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
