Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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