you have to choose: penises or morals?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
