Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
