I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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