whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
