mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
