Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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