The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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