Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
