I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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