I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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