My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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