She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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